Posted by: dodgrblu | August 2, 2010

Hand Me My Brown Pants

Yes, it has come to this. I’ve put this off as long as I can. But after a week of watching the Dodgers stumble around in the dark looking for a spark (or a clue), I can avoid it no more.

Friends, family, strangers-who-have-so-much-time-on-their-hands-that-they-go-this-far-down-the-list-of-Google results: it’s time to discuss the color of the panic flag.

So, okay, what color should a panic flag be?

Panic buttons are usually red. But a red flag has a different meaning. To quote, “Investors may have missed one major red flag that could have tipped them off that something was amiss at Bernard Madoff’s now-infamous hedge fund: he acted as his own prime broker.”

Red flags also have historically been associated with revolution, notably in the 20th century, with Communist revolution. While I agree that the Dodgers’ recent play has been revolting, this is clearly not what we’re looking for, Tovarishchi.

What about green? No, a green flag has a different meaning as well: “Green signals the beginning or resumption of competition.” (From, “The Flags of NASCAR.” Trust me, this will be the only time NASCAR comes up in this blog.) Since the Dodgers are much closer to ceasing competition than beginning or resuming it, obviously a green flag is not what we’re looking for.

So, red and green are both out. What about blue?

Ah, blue…the color of the Dodgers! The color of the sea! Speaking of the sea reminds me of a joke with a punchline I often quote. Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

Centuries ago, when men were men, sheep were scared, and pirates sailed the ocean blue, a captain and his crew were sailing the seas in search of adventure … or at least money to reunite Westley with his beloved Buttercup. Suddenly, a ship flying the Jolly Roger appeared on the horizon—pirates! The captain calmly asked a crewmember, “Bring me my red shirt!” When the crewmember brought the red shirt, the captain quickly put it on and bravely led the crew in defending the ship from the pirates’ landing party. The captain and crew fought valiantly and were able to repel the pirate landing party and continue on their journey.

A day or so later, two pirate ships appeared on the horizon. As the pirate ships sailed toward them, the crew began to panic, but the captain calmly said to his first officer, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first officer brought the red shirt, and the captain donned it. A fierce fight ensued, but the captain and his crew fought bravely, and both pirate landing parties were repelled.

As the captain and his crew recovered from the battle, the first officer asked the captain, “Sir, why is it that every time we encounter pirates, you ask for your red shirt?” The captain replied, “I wear my red shirt so that, should I be wounded in battle and start to bleed, the crew will not see the blood, panic, and bolt in fear.” The first officer and crew all agreed that this was an excellent strategy.

The next day, a fleet of ten pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The crew nervously looked at the captain, waiting for his usual request. And the captain stood tall and called, “ALL HANDS ON DECK, AND PREPARE FOR BATTLE! AND BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!”

And there we go: the panic flag should be brown!

But I dithered so long over the color of the panic flag, I don’t think I need it after all. After the hated Giants swept the Dodgers in San Francisco this weekend, the time for the brown flag has passed. I’m ready to wave the white flag.

That’s right, I surrender. I am declaring the Dodgers dead. Time of death: approximately 7:56 PM PDT, August 1, 2010.

A moment of silence, please.  (And, wouldn’t you just know it, as always happens during a “moment of silence” at a sporting event, there’s that drunken dipshit in the upper deck yelling, “Woooooo! Boooooooobieeeees!”)

And as the public address announcer always say at the end of the moment of  “silence,” thank you.



  1. […] once and for all that it really is over for the Mets and Dodgers, too. (You may recall that I’ve previously declared the Dodgers […]

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